Here's why self compassion is important when dealing with a chronic illness
My own relationship with self compassion began several years ago when I was dealing with the aftermath of my daughter’s severe health crisis.
She had unknowingly developed a life threatening infection and for two weeks battled for her life in the ICU. We were fortunate that she survived and came back home to a slow recovery after almost a month. Those two weeks were the lowest point in our lives.
She had just celebrated her 7th birthday in the ICU.
For a while, I dealt with terrible guilt because it was I who had insisted on taking her to London for a second opinion. We had taken her to one of the best pediatric dermatologists in London who had given her a different immune suppressing drug to manage her severe eczema that had caused this reaction. To be fair, they had done all the preemptive tests necessary before they started her on this medication.
However, things went terribly wrong as she suffered a one-in-a-million drug side effect.
This crisis taught me about the importance of self compassion in our day-to-day life and even more so when dealing with any challenges like a chronic illness.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
You must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
- Naomi Shihab Niye
An uninvited guest
For a while, my guilt was like an uninvited guest in my life.
I soon realised, however, that I had to find a way to get past my own guilt and forgive myself, and move forward. I knew that it was much more important at that time to find a less harmful and more effective way of healing my daughter. For that, I had to set aside my guilt and forgive myself.
Self compassion gave me the strength I needed to take care of my daughter and my family.
I learned how to deal with those uncertain and dark times with love, determination, and hope.
Self-forgiveness, dealing with loss, grief, love, gratitude, and self compassion became an integral part of my life over a period of time.
She was still on similar medications when she came home from the hospital since conventional medicine had no other solution for her. This made me determined to find a way to heal her using a gentle and root cause approach. My search ultimately led me to Functional Medicine and as they say, the rest is history.
She got better and got off all her medications after a couple of years.
What is self compassion?
Self compassion is a practice where we treat ourselves with the same kindness that we would give to others who are struggling in some way.
Self compassion is a form of acceptance. We accept what’s happening to us instead of trying to push it away or resist it in some way. How we treat ourselves when we are struggling with difficult moments or challenges in our lives forms the basis of our own compassion practice.
It allows us to acknowledge our pain and provides us with the strength that we need to carry on in the face of our challenges.
The thing is before we can inspire compassion in others, we must have developed a compassion practice in the face of our own adversities.
We need to realise that we all deserve to feel better no matter what we are going through.
What self compassion is not
Self compassion does not make us weak and vulnerable.
In fact, self compassion frees us from the shackles of self criticism. I find that our inner critic is the biggest stumbling block that keeps people from achieving their goals, and their full potential because it undermines our confidence and demotivates us. Compassion allows us to really care for ourselves in a genuine manner and make healthier choices in the long run.
Research shows that those who treat themselves with compassion have the resilience to cope with life’s challenges, tend to be happier, have better relationships, have better mental and emotional health and make tend to take better care of themselves.
In my own health coaching practice where I work with women with autoimmune conditions, compassion forms a big part of the programme.
If we are to genuinely heal ourselves by taking better care of our bodies, consistent self care practices, and making healthier dietary and lifestyle choices, self compassion needs to play a central role in the healing process.
The healing power of self compassion
So the real question is, where do you start?
You start by treating yourself like a friend
You realise that ALL human beings (including yourself) make mistakes, fails, and go through many challenges in life.
This shared human experience is what connects us with each other. Even though we may try our best, things can still go wrong and our lives can fall apart. Our way of coping with this emotional pain is usually by resisting it and fighting hard or even avoiding it altogether.
Of course, neither of these strategies works to our advantage in the long run.
Blaming and shaming ourselves during times of trouble only serve to make things worse. Instead, we need to acknowledge our own pain and respond with kindness and understanding.
Treating yourself like a friend
Because most of us find this difficult to do, I teach my clients to think of a friend who is struggling in some way.
Take out some time and do this exercise today.
Think of the times when a close friend who is in some kind of trouble- has failed, made a mistake, or is feeling inadequate in some way. How would you respond to this friend? What kind of words, and tone of voice would you use? How would you encourage and support your friend through these difficult times?
Now think back to a time when you were in trouble or struggling in some way. How would you respond to yourself? What kind of words, and tone of voice did you use? What do you say to yourself?
Is there any difference between how you treat yourself and how you would treat a friend?
What did you learn from this exercise?
I hope this has opened your eyes to the way you treat yourself especially if you are dealing with any chronic illness. This awareness is the gateway to self compassion. For yourself and for others.
Feel free to share the love with someone who needs to hear this today!