Words That Heal #3: A Journey of Healing from Loss and Letting Go

Originally published in my “Words That Heal” series. Now part of “Healing from Within.”

I burst into tears.

I hurried to the bathroom so that no one would see me cry even though I knew very well that there was nothing wrong with being sad.

My husband had just finished writing the most beautiful letter to our son who had just turned 13. It was a letter from a father who loved his son deeply.

And it triggered a sadness that I had not visited in the recent past.

Or maybe I tend to avoid going there because it still hurts too much. Even after almost 40 years of losing my father. I was not yet 12 years old when we lost him.

The sadness has now become a familiar part of me so much so that I forget that it is there.

But life does go on and time does soften the pain.

"Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim."

- Vicki Harrison

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Healing through grief

None of us make it through this life without experiencing some kind of loss.

Whether it’s the loss of a parent, family member, or friend, or the most painful loss of all, a child. It changes us forever.

Grieving what we have lost is an important part of the healing process.

Because it gives us the space to come to terms with reality. Without this kind of acceptance, there cannot be awareness. And without awareness of how we are feeling, healing is not possible.

We never really completely get over these kinds of losses. But we do learn to live with them.

Like we did as a family after my father passed away. My mother had no option but to pull herself together since she had two young kids to take care of. I was 12 and my brother was 7 years at the time.

The first few years were the most difficult ones as we struggled to come to terms and accept my father’s untimely death.

I remember being so angry at him for leaving us like this. Feeling sorry not only for myself but for my mother and brother as well. Putting up a brave face in front of others so no one would know how I really felt most of the time.

I felt for a long time that life was horribly unfair.

And resentful. All my friends had both sets of parents and nothing in their lives had changed. But for us, nothing was ever going to be the same again.

And that’s the kind of feeling that stayed with me for a really long time.

I learned that no matter what I did, much of my life was beyond my control.

Embracing life’s uncertainties

And for a long time, I thought the answer was to hold on tightly to what I had and control as many things as possible. And so I tried. Over time I forgot this lesson I was taught early in my childhood.

Till our daughter was hospitalised with a life threatening infection due to a rare drug side effect.

She suffered from severe eczema that was being managed by immune suppressing drugs.

She was not yet 7 years old when she got admitted to the ICU. Her doctors were uncertain about the outcome for the two longest weeks of our life. It was finally on her 7th birthday that things started turning around.

I have written about our story here.

And it was at this time that I was jarringly reminded of the lesson I had once learned in my childhood.

That much of life is beyond our control. And no matter how good our intentions are, and how good our efforts are, things can still go horribly wrong.

This time I was old enough to take this lesson seriously.

I started focusing on finding out what I could do to help our daughter.

That’s how I came across Functional Medicine that eventually got her condition under control.

All my energies were focused on healing her from the inside out, things that we could change, like her diet and her immediate environment. Eventually, two years after I started implementing these changes, she went off all medications.

“The wound is the place where the light enters you."

- Rumi

The power of embracing personal responsibility

Many people live all their life trying to control everything and everyone around them.

They cling tightly to the outcomes that they want and try to control as much of their life as possible.

It is exhausting and pointless.

They live under the illusion that this will bring them the peace and happiness that they are looking for.

So they spend a lot of time trying to change others rather than focusing on their own shortcomings and working on areas that need improvement.

It is easier to focus on others rather than take responsibility for the results that we see in our own lives.

Yet, when we realise that the only thing that we have control over is our own behaviours, thoughts, and actions, it can be oddly freeing.

Because it means that we are now free to focus our energies on all of these that impact our lives.

When we learn how to do this, we have the power to change our life, to live life on our terms.

But this is really hard for many people to accept and practice.

Why?

Because it means that you first have to become aware of your own shortcomings, strengths, behaviours, and choices.

You have to take responsibility and ownership of your own life. And you can’t make any more excuses as to why you are not taking action towards the goal that you set for yourself. To take steps towards making your dreams come true.

Such as….

You committed to going for a walk three times a week

Or you said you would get at least 8 hours of sleep

Or you promised yourself that you would make healthier food choices by avoiding desserts and processed foods

Except now you can’t put the blame on others or your circumstances anymore.

The results that you see (or don’t see) are a reflection of your daily choices and habits.

And now they are glaringly obvious. And maybe even uncomfortable.

And you realise that you have learned how it feels to take complete ownership of your life.

Your healing journey through mindfulness, self compassion and self acceptance

But what does all of this have to do with healing?

We are all in need of healing.

Whether it’s from childhood trauma like mine of losing a parent at a very early age. Or simply the losses and difficulties that we face as we go through life. We need to find different ways to soothe ourselves.

Otherwise, we self-soothe in ways that don’t really serve us in the long run.

Whether it’s in the form of alcohol, drugs, shopping, sex, or any other form of addiction. These are all different ways that we seek to comfort ourselves. We try to find a connection that we desperately crave so that we don’t feel so alone in our loss.

And we crave a connection with that deepest part of ourselves that is our true nature.

Because we often lose sight of who truly are as we grow up.

You see, we lose access to this inner world over years of conditioning by society, media and our environment.

It requires us to gently peel off these layers to catch a glimpse of who we once were and who we are meant to be.

This can be a beautiful journey of self discovery if you allow yourself to explore, to remain curious.

If you create the space and take out time from your busy schedule to go within yourself and reconnect with yourself.

Tools like mindfulness, meditation, journaling, and other forms of self exploration can be really useful in this journey of self discovery and healing.

It took a crisis in my adult life to wake me up to this truth.

And over the years on this self exploration journey, I have rediscovered parts of myself I didn’t know I had.

I learned how to accept ALL of myself- my strengths, shortcomings, and quirks.

Compassion for myself played a key role in all of this. I learned how to accept and love myself for who I am today.

All of us are on a similar journey.

All of us struggle in some way, dealing with challenges and trying to do the best we can. This is what makes us human.

As for me, this journey has made me more accepting and forgiving of myself and others. More importantly, it has given me a sense of peace I never realised I was craving for.

You see,

healing takes place from a place of peace.

From a place where compassion and love co-exists.

Anyone can find that place within themselves.

All you have to do is start looking.

"Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it."

- Tori Amos

What has grief taught you—about yourself, your body, or your capacity to heal?
If it feels safe to share, I’m listening.

These reflections are part of my “Words That Heal” series. If you’d like more posts like this, hit the 💛 at the top or just reply to say hello.

Your voice is always welcome here.