Words That Heal #5: Do You Get a Little Bit Tired of Life?
Originally published in my “Words That Heal” series. Now part of “Healing from Within.”
The lyrics of this song has been haunting me lately.
Do you ever get a little bit tired of life
Like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die
Like you're hanging by a thread but you gotta survive
'Cause you gotta survive
Like your body's in the room but you're not really there
Like you have empathy inside but you don't really care
Like you're fresh outta love but it's been in the air
Am I past repair
I first heard the song “Numb little bug” when my teenage daughter played it on Spotify. I didn’t pay much attention to the lyrics at the time. Then I came across it again recently and the lyrics somehow struck a chord with me.
When I look back to my childhood, I now realise that as a child I have always been sensitive to the emotional undercurrents in the environment.
I was not yet 12 when my father died of cancer. It was as if I grew up overnight. This phase of my life sharpened my senses to be tuned to how others are feeling around me.
I could sense when my mother was distressed and unhappy even before she said anything or showed any emotions.
This heightened sense of empathy and emotional sensitivity has been a part of my life ever since.
And during times of turmoil, it rises to the surface till I feel like I am drowning in it.
However, over the years I have learned not only to make peace with it but to embrace it wholly. To own it and to find the inherent strength that it holds inside. It serves me well especially during times of uncertainty and suffering.
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The costs of numbness
It doesn’t matter whether a particular crisis or upheaval is in another corner of the world.
It affects us all one way or another. Many us find ways to cope with it by numbing ourselves. We numb ourselves to the bloodshed, death and unnecessary suffering around us the best we can.
We shop, drink, take drugs and medicate ourselves to shut out the pain. And yes, sometimes, medications help us by lowering our levels of fear, sadness and depression to a more manageable level. Defence mechanisms such as “denial” allow us to avoid distress at times when it is unbearable.
But do they work in the long run? Not really.
Numbing ourselves does nothing to help those who are in pain either. We shy away from looking into their eyes because we are afraid to acknowledge that we could have easily been in their place. That it could have been us.
And so we continue to read and watch the news without realising the role that we could have played in bringing some peace and healing into this world.
We try harder and harder to numb ourselves to the pain that we feel inside. We bottle our feelings so that we don’t get overwhelmed by it. And we get really good at doing this.
But what if we could see our personal experiences of loss and suffering as a path towards healing - ourselves and our world?
There’s a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.
Leonard Cohen
This letter may be what someone else needs today.
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Nursing your broken heart
Today we are bombarded by the breaking news, by distressing images and video clips of pain and suffering.
As a result, we retreat further and further into a shell without even realising it.
But you see, when you shut out the parts of yourself that cause you pain, you also shut out the parts that make you, you. The parts that bring you joy, beauty, grace, hope and passion. For when you shut out these parts, you remain disconnected from your feelings.
You live in your head without having a clue about how you are really feeling inside.
Feeling….
Tired.
Angry.
Sad.
Anxious.
Signs that your heart is heavy with the pain and suffering that you are reading and hearing about.
Signs that your heart has been broken open by all the bloodshed and the unnecessary deaths.
A reminder that you are in fact a living, breathing and feeling being.
Yet, we hardly realise exactly how much this disconnection costs us.
The price that we in terms of our health, our relationships and the quality of our lives.
What if we accepted our common humanity by showing ourselves some compassion?
The thing is, accepting what is happening doesn’t mean that we tolerate what is unjust, what is unfair.
As explained beautifully by Christopher Germer in his book “The mindful path to self compassion”
“Acceptance covers a range of experiences, including curiosity, tolerance, willingness and friendship. The opposite of acceptance is resistance. Whereas resistance creates suffering, acceptance alleviates it.
Acceptance doesn’t mean tolerating bad behaviour. It’s opening emotionally to what’s happening within us in the present moment.“
Self compassion is a form of acceptance.
It’s taking our own pain into account when we are hurting. It’s about caring for ourselves because we are suffering.
It can be a really powerful tool for ourselves and the world around us in times of upheaval.
The power of self compassion
I truly believe in the power of compassion.
I believe that by numbing ourselves we are doing a grave injustice.
Not only to ourselves and our children, but to the world at large.
By resisting suffering at all costs, we are powerless to do anything to alleviate the pain and suffering around us.
When you are able to pay attention to your own difficult emotions and learn how to be comfortable around them that you will be able to stay calm and centred when the world around you is crumbling.
As the Zen master Thich Nath Hanh explains,
“When the crowded Vietnamese refugee boats met with storms or pirates, if everyone picnicked, all would be lost. But if even one person on the boat stayed calm and steady, it was enough. They showed the way for everyone to survive.”
You are the peace that the world is in need of right now.
You are the healer that the world needs.
Now is not the time to remain numb.
There is much you can do to bring some peace, calm and healing to this world. To leave a better world for our children, grandchildren and great children. A legacy that you can be proud of.
It requires you to show up, every single day, as the best version of yourself. It needs courage, grit and grace. And it asks that you take a stand for humanity, for peace.
At the same time it also means that you fill your cup first.
Fill your cup first
I am often asked
“How are not affected by those whom you work with as a Heath Coach? All the constant focus on negativity, problems and stress?”
My answer - “having a consistent self care practice that includes self compassion and gratitude”
For me this looks like
having fresh flowers on my desk on a Monday morning
dancing to a song in the middle of the day
reading a book on modern poetry that fills me with hope
lighting a candle at the beginning and end of the day to create the mood that I want
I used to feel guilty about taking care of myself first and making my own needs a priority. But all that has changed over the years of being taking care of my daughter’s severe health issues and my family as a whole. I learned the hard way that I need to do something that fills me up so that I don’t feel deprived or depleted.
I realised that by filling my own cup first, I could give to others from a place of overfill rather than depletion.
The thing is, you need to be intentional about creating a space for healing in your own life.
However, what nourishes you will be very different from another person. By creating a calm and quiet space, even one that is in one corner of your bedroom, you are paving the way to see more of it in your life.
Because we are the ones we have been waiting for.
Have you discovered a ritual that gently brings you back to yourself? I’d love to hear what fills your cup. Tell me in the comments, or reply privately if that feels safer.
Grief is not a problem to be solved
In difficult times it is up to us to find ways to quiet our mind, tend to our broken heart and stand up for what we believe in.
It is up to us to embody peace, courage and healing that our world is in need of right now.
Is it our responsibility to hear the earth itself calling for our attention. And to take care and action.
We are feeling her sorrows in our own bodies.
We are sensing the disquiet in our minds in the form anxiety, depression and uncertainty. We are grieving a loss that is affecting us all, at a planetary level. Yet, grieve and love are sisters.
In the beautiful words of Francis Weller in his book “The wild edge of sorrow”
“Grief and love are sisters, woven together from the beginning. Their kinship reminds us that there is no love that does not contain loss and no loss that is not a reminder of the love we carry for what we once held close. Alone and together, death and loss affect us all.”
This is your invitation and reminder to remember that your pain is not yours alone, it is a collective pain.
Feel your darkest, strongest emotion and work through them.
Grieve for your losses and know that is a natural part of being human
Experience the joys and amazement of being alive by connecting with your soul.
The world needs us to be present and awake; to embrace our shared humanity in all its fragility and resilience. The time for numbness has passed. Now we must feel, grieve, and love fiercely.
For in the cracks of our broken hearts, the light awaits.
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